i am now officially 23 years old though i don't look and act like one. people say that i still look like a teenager. i still go ga-ga over Disney and kiddie stuff like cartoons and coloring books. but i don't mind. the important thing is i make good decisions on the things i do.
in my last entry, i was having a dilemma over my graduate studies. well, i've decided to go on with it and finish it. i actually found myself enjoying my practicum. though there were times when i got a little stressed, it was still okay. i got over those things anyway. i guess i was just nervous about my practicum. for a while, i doubted myself if i have the skills to teach those special children i handle. but as the days passed by, i realized that i can. all i have to do is to believe that i can do it.
so now, my life is running smoothly again with little bumps on the way. but nevertheless, it is still an enjoyable ride.
happy birthday to me!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
early quarter-life crisis
i'll be turning 23 in a few days. but my maturity level won't be growing old with my age because i'm thinking of throwing away a wonderful future for me. i'm talking about my graduate studies. but my parents and the people around me won't let me because they say that i'm almost done with it so why give up now? my parents said it's okay if i would quit my job coz they can support me anyway. but i should not quit my graduate studies because there are a lot of opportunities waiting for me as soon as i get my diploma. she's right. but pursuing it doesn't feel right anymore.
i am really confused. it's not that i hate special ed. i somehow have this feeling that special ed is not for me. i am better off working with regular children. i really enjoy my job so much. i forget all my worries whenever i'm working. but whenever i think of my MA, i feel depressed. i even have this theory that my MA sucked enjoyment out of my life. why? well, i sacrificed some of the things that make me happy for it. i haven't read as much books as i used to. i lost contact with some friends because i was too busy studying. i don't write in my journal anymore coz i have to write research papers instead. i sometimes go home late coz i have a class at night. i am so tired! i'm only in my early twenties, but sometimes i feel like i'm already thirty or forty-something coz i take my life too seriously. i spend so much time working hard on my career and forgetting other important things in life.
one solution i thought of is to take a break. i'll think about what i really want and if i can still go through with it. but when i told my parents about it, they rejected the idea and told me that i should quit my job instead if i feel like i need a break. i know that they only want the best for me. they said i was able to finish 4 years of college so i could also do the same with graduate studies. but i was able to finish college coz i love psychology so much. special ed is not far from psychology, but my heart is not fully in it. so that is why i'm having a hard time to finish it. and my parents don't seem to understand my point.
i know that this is my life and that i am the one who has the final say on what will happen to it. but i just can't ignore my parents' opinion. they know better than i do even if they don't fully know what's in my mind and heart.
so what do i do now?
i am really confused. it's not that i hate special ed. i somehow have this feeling that special ed is not for me. i am better off working with regular children. i really enjoy my job so much. i forget all my worries whenever i'm working. but whenever i think of my MA, i feel depressed. i even have this theory that my MA sucked enjoyment out of my life. why? well, i sacrificed some of the things that make me happy for it. i haven't read as much books as i used to. i lost contact with some friends because i was too busy studying. i don't write in my journal anymore coz i have to write research papers instead. i sometimes go home late coz i have a class at night. i am so tired! i'm only in my early twenties, but sometimes i feel like i'm already thirty or forty-something coz i take my life too seriously. i spend so much time working hard on my career and forgetting other important things in life.
one solution i thought of is to take a break. i'll think about what i really want and if i can still go through with it. but when i told my parents about it, they rejected the idea and told me that i should quit my job instead if i feel like i need a break. i know that they only want the best for me. they said i was able to finish 4 years of college so i could also do the same with graduate studies. but i was able to finish college coz i love psychology so much. special ed is not far from psychology, but my heart is not fully in it. so that is why i'm having a hard time to finish it. and my parents don't seem to understand my point.
i know that this is my life and that i am the one who has the final say on what will happen to it. but i just can't ignore my parents' opinion. they know better than i do even if they don't fully know what's in my mind and heart.
so what do i do now?
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Uninvited
Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate
* a song by alanis
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate
* a song by alanis
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
just passing...
i haven't visited this blog since the last time i updated it. i was busy with my requirements in school. also, the thoughts that were running through my head for the past couple of weeks were things i would rather keep between me and my private journal. so what could those thoughts be? hmm... well, those thoughts made me throw my cell phone on the floor which is some thing i never did. it didn't break to my huge relief. yeah, i know what i did was crazy. however, i would rather let my journal keep the secret to itself. but every thing is ok now with me. i'm normal. i'm happy. it was just a phase i went through.
Monday, September 18, 2006
my wish for this week
i woke up early this morning feeling good. i wish that this signifies a great week ahead of me. i'll be presenting my research/mini-thesis on Thursday so...
Friday, September 15, 2006
by the balcony of our house, i sat down and wrote...
it's 12:17 am! haha. the date of my birthday. wala lang. gusto ko lang sabihin.
anyway, i'm still awake coz instead of coming home immediately from my class in UP (i went there to sign the attendance and left afterwards), i stopped by Sbucks to have a cup of cappuccino. wrong move. i really need to sleep but now i can't because of the caffeine. so here i am writing about senseless stuff again.
so what's up with me? hmm... nothing much. i still haven't started with my research (long live Queen of Procrastination!). i have to present it in class a week from now. and i can't believe that i actually don't care whether i have something to present or none. really. i would rather read my books (fiction) than do some research. just before i logged in here, i read my fave book of all time, By the River Piedra, I Sat Down & Wept. it's been a long time since i last opened that book. i did not read the entire book though. i just scanned it and read some parts that never fail to touch my heart. wow. i really love this book.
while trying to unearth By the River Piedra, i found another book which i still haven't read. it's Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia-Marquez. you may have seen this book from the film, Serendipity. this book is the one that Jonathan (John Cusack) must find in order to retrieve Sara's (Kate Beckinsale) phone number. he finally got the book when his fiancee gave it to him as a wedding gift. watching that scene always makes me teary-eyed. haha. anyway, i've read a lot of good reviews about that book. it's about a man's second chance to win back his love. he waited half a century to declare his love. woah. that's a looooong wait. but i guess if you really, really love someone, you would wait no matter how long.
another book that is buried under my bed is The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. i also haven't read this book yet. it's about a woman who meets the love of her life when she was 6 and the guy was 36. but when they got married, the man was only 8 years older than the woman. hmmm... now that's interesting. i just wonder when i will have the time to read this book.
before i log off, i want to leave you with memorable lines from my all-time fave book. enjoy.
In real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire. Anything else is fantasy.
When we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange.
No, I'm not mistaken. I know you don't love me. But I'm going to fight for your love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end. You are worth it.
But love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. For when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesn't even matter whether we can keep the loved ones at our side. To love is to lose control.
A thousand times I wanted to take his hand, and a thousand times I stopped myself. I was still confused - I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I didn't know how to begin.
anyway, i'm still awake coz instead of coming home immediately from my class in UP (i went there to sign the attendance and left afterwards), i stopped by Sbucks to have a cup of cappuccino. wrong move. i really need to sleep but now i can't because of the caffeine. so here i am writing about senseless stuff again.
so what's up with me? hmm... nothing much. i still haven't started with my research (long live Queen of Procrastination!). i have to present it in class a week from now. and i can't believe that i actually don't care whether i have something to present or none. really. i would rather read my books (fiction) than do some research. just before i logged in here, i read my fave book of all time, By the River Piedra, I Sat Down & Wept. it's been a long time since i last opened that book. i did not read the entire book though. i just scanned it and read some parts that never fail to touch my heart. wow. i really love this book.
while trying to unearth By the River Piedra, i found another book which i still haven't read. it's Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia-Marquez. you may have seen this book from the film, Serendipity. this book is the one that Jonathan (John Cusack) must find in order to retrieve Sara's (Kate Beckinsale) phone number. he finally got the book when his fiancee gave it to him as a wedding gift. watching that scene always makes me teary-eyed. haha. anyway, i've read a lot of good reviews about that book. it's about a man's second chance to win back his love. he waited half a century to declare his love. woah. that's a looooong wait. but i guess if you really, really love someone, you would wait no matter how long.
another book that is buried under my bed is The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. i also haven't read this book yet. it's about a woman who meets the love of her life when she was 6 and the guy was 36. but when they got married, the man was only 8 years older than the woman. hmmm... now that's interesting. i just wonder when i will have the time to read this book.
before i log off, i want to leave you with memorable lines from my all-time fave book. enjoy.
In real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire. Anything else is fantasy.
When we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange.
No, I'm not mistaken. I know you don't love me. But I'm going to fight for your love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end. You are worth it.
But love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. For when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesn't even matter whether we can keep the loved ones at our side. To love is to lose control.
A thousand times I wanted to take his hand, and a thousand times I stopped myself. I was still confused - I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I didn't know how to begin.
Monday, September 11, 2006
thoughts on a sleepless night: part trois
... i've got a new school ID. i can now enter the school lib and do some research or else i'll fail my one and only subject this semester.
... from november 2006 to march 2007, i'm going to be very, very busy with my job and practicum. just thinking about it makes me feel so stressed. but 5 months is not a long time. the next thing i know, i'm already at the beach having the time of my life.
... my Korean student, Ji Won, has gone back to her country. we gave her a send off party last week and she enjoyed it very much. she's been gone for a few days only but i already miss her.
... currently listening to Everything by Lifehouse. i love this song.
... in a few months, i'll be celebrating my birthday. i just wish my 23rd birthday will be a happy one. my last birthday was the saddest birthday i had. i cried a river of tears when the clock strike 12. hopefully i'll be smiling and laughing when the clock strikes 12 on my upcoming birthday.
... i got myself a new journal a few weeks ago. it was funny coz just when i reached the last page of my last journal, something happened that changed my life BIG TIME. so i guess the new journal is for the new chapter in my life.
... it's raining really hard outside.
... today is the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attack in New York. i know it's corny, but i wish for World Peace.
... that's it. i have nothing more to say.
... from november 2006 to march 2007, i'm going to be very, very busy with my job and practicum. just thinking about it makes me feel so stressed. but 5 months is not a long time. the next thing i know, i'm already at the beach having the time of my life.
... my Korean student, Ji Won, has gone back to her country. we gave her a send off party last week and she enjoyed it very much. she's been gone for a few days only but i already miss her.
... currently listening to Everything by Lifehouse. i love this song.
... in a few months, i'll be celebrating my birthday. i just wish my 23rd birthday will be a happy one. my last birthday was the saddest birthday i had. i cried a river of tears when the clock strike 12. hopefully i'll be smiling and laughing when the clock strikes 12 on my upcoming birthday.
... i got myself a new journal a few weeks ago. it was funny coz just when i reached the last page of my last journal, something happened that changed my life BIG TIME. so i guess the new journal is for the new chapter in my life.
... it's raining really hard outside.
... today is the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attack in New York. i know it's corny, but i wish for World Peace.
... that's it. i have nothing more to say.
Friday, September 01, 2006
losing and letting go
i am in deep sh*t right now. i lost my school ID. damn. i won't be able to enter the school library without it and i really need to go there to do some research for my paper. aaarrggghh!!! of all the times to lose it, why now??? of course, the solution for this would be to replace it. but it still sucks coz it's a waste of time and money. yeah. stupid me.
i got a really sad news yesterday. one of my Korean students will be going back to her country next week and might not come back here again. it's really sad coz i'm going to miss her terribly. just writing about it makes me teary-eyed (sob!). i'm going to miss her morning greetings and hugs whenever i arrive. even though she has been my student for a short time only, i know that things will never be the same again when she's gone. this is one of the sad things about being a teacher. being left by your students. and you can't stop them from leaving coz they have to go coz your time with them is through. when i first started teaching, i told myself not to be too attached with my students so i won't feel very sad once they leave. but it's really hard not to be attached coz i see them every day. we do a lot of things together. we play, sing, dance, eat, run, wrestle, talk, laugh, and a whole lot of other things. when they cry, they run to me for comfort. when they are happy, they share their happiness with me. even though my students are still very young, i genuinely feel their love and respect for me. and i genuinely love and respect them as well. so if they have to go, i'll let them go. but i know that they will stay with me forever in my heart.
i got a really sad news yesterday. one of my Korean students will be going back to her country next week and might not come back here again. it's really sad coz i'm going to miss her terribly. just writing about it makes me teary-eyed (sob!). i'm going to miss her morning greetings and hugs whenever i arrive. even though she has been my student for a short time only, i know that things will never be the same again when she's gone. this is one of the sad things about being a teacher. being left by your students. and you can't stop them from leaving coz they have to go coz your time with them is through. when i first started teaching, i told myself not to be too attached with my students so i won't feel very sad once they leave. but it's really hard not to be attached coz i see them every day. we do a lot of things together. we play, sing, dance, eat, run, wrestle, talk, laugh, and a whole lot of other things. when they cry, they run to me for comfort. when they are happy, they share their happiness with me. even though my students are still very young, i genuinely feel their love and respect for me. and i genuinely love and respect them as well. so if they have to go, i'll let them go. but i know that they will stay with me forever in my heart.
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